Testing

“I have a broken disposition.  I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth” – Jars of Clay, “Two Hands”

I’m a horribly inconsistent blog writer, which is ironic considering the paths I’ve chosen in life.  First is my desire to be a writer…you know, in general, the ability to call myself a writer to my friends.  And while it may be easy to just say it out loud, I’ve never really found anything that I have consistently written about.  I have so many interests, but the thought of writing about the trifles of this and the minutiae of that has always felt very superficial; I never could convince myself to follow through.

Then I began writing my novel.  It’s a work in progress and a lofty concept on its good days.  I just love the whole idea of it, in theory and practice.  I have that opportunity, as I mentioned, to call myself a writer.  More than that, I truly believe in what it is I’m trying to say.  I even love the process of writing.  Yet, this is where my tragic flaw rears its ugly head again.  I’m horribly inconsistent.  One day I write page after page, preceding weeks of not writing at all.

One of my all-time favorite bands is Jars of Clay, of which I have posted a song lyric of above.  This song, “Two Hands”, has quickly become one of my very favorite songs of theirs, albeit for a slightly negative reason.  In the song, he talks about being essentially split down the middle, between what he wants to do, and what he does. (Sound familiar?)  Then he goes on to pose a question…what if I had two hands doing the same thing?  What if I was no longer torn between one path and another?  How much more complete could I become?

Whether or not you personally fit the diagnosis, we are, as a whole, an ADHD generation.  We unabashedly trot after all sorts of meaningless things.  And as the musician Adam Watts wrote, “we can be kings of meaningless things, or we can be slaves of love”.  My generation has become the ultimate example of kings and queens.  So often, we look around at the objects and people around us and attempt to determine exactly what that object or person can do for us, acting just as a king or queen would.  Slaves don’t act that way.  Slaves act in service of those around them.  Admittedly, my first reaction was that slaves are not often happy about this service, or are often forced to serve.  And while this may be true, the parallels can still be seen.  In short, we may not always be happy about serving those around us, and in truth, sometimes we’re forced.  However, the service of love, and therefore the slave, is never meaningless.

And how does this affect me?  And what does this have to do with writing?

In the Fall of 2008, I started a new blog.  I named it The Paradigm Exchange, after a blog post I had written a year prior.  Then and now, it serves several purposes for me, including an outlet for me to write and explore what it means to be a faithful skeptic.  I would love to say that this was the point where I began using my two hands for the same thing, but it wasn’t.  Instead, it served as another reminder of my inconsistency.  But before this starts to look like a “poor, poor, pitiful me” post, I have to say that I have hope.  I am optimistic about my future as a person of faith, and as a writer.  Who knows, it just might be that this post is a launching pad for continued progress.  Isn’t that what life is about, progress?  (While I realize this is a loaded statement, it’s another conversation for another day.)

In truth, many of us struggle with what it means to be consistent.  We all do things we don’t want to do, and don’t do things we do want to do.  There’s a guy in the Bible named Paul who felt the same way.  Something tells me he realized this was not the end of the story.  And it’s not the end of the story for you either.

In closing, and in keeping with the musical theme of this post, I’ll leave you with one more lyric from another one of my favorite bands, the Flobots.

“Reach within you and find the means by which to gain your freedom.
Fight with tools.”

H.

I wrote this a while back and never got around to posting it.  It probably wasn’t finished…but I’ll let you have a gander anyway…

There is a fine line between being captivated and being overwhelmed.  As for me, I just want to be lost in something greater than myself.  Perhaps, the most ironic truth of is all is that I already am.  This life we have here is so complex and captivating, although many people graze over that truth unknowingly missing it among the more semantic of circumstances.  And it is these very circumstances that create the most overwhelming of contexts.

I want to be captivated, rather than overwhelmed.  I am a man that is often so unrelentingly consumed by my passions that it disorients my senses.  Yet, this must be what it is like to catch a glimpse that life is more grand than the mere present, sickened flesh of body that I inhabit.  I believe there is something in the soul that is desperately seeking captivation, and this same soul creates the opportunities in which we can make it a reality.  The soul cracks the window to allow a breeze of surrender to come surging in. Nonetheless, we are all so often terrified of the consequences of such a surrender that we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to become truly free.

I fear becoming a resemblance of the life of so many older adults that I know; the life of the day-to-day, the life of the complacent, the life of impatient eagerness toward weekends, the drudgery of their weekly lives.  The ultimate reality for most of us that toil with this concern is that we have to make choices, about where we will live, what we will do, and who we will be.  What’s worse, the path is almost never very clear.  It can be easy to feel that you are walking in a void, taking steps toward no particular direction.  Even when faced with that fork in the road, it looks more like a road block.  Each path is filled with so many questions that have no simple answers.  Sometimes it is hard to feel the comfort of a hand on your back pressing you on through the fog.

So what did you give up?

Every year, about this time, myself and many friends take on the tradition known as Lent.  Although it is primarily practiced by Catholic traditions here in the States, I can see many benefits from participating even as a non-Catholic.  Some years I am successful, some years I fail, but the goal remains the same: learn how to more deeply rely on God.  For all of the false motives for giving up something during Lent, I believe this one should be the true motivation.

It’s funny though, when you think of using Lent to rely more deeply on God, because usually Lent is seen as a time to practice self-control.  And maybe there is something to be said for practicing self-control…or maybe learning how to rely on God is an act of self-control.  Despite the semantics, ultimately putting God in the driver’s seat should be top priority.

As for myself, I am approaching Lent this year slightly differently.  Instead of technically giving up something, I am committing myself to doing something instead.  My wife and I started the “Couch to 5K” running plan early last week.  In truth, with the exception of grade school athletics, I have never really been what you would call a “regular” exerciser, which has contributed to my slow but steady weight gain over the last few years.  So at least for the next 40-ish days, I will be running 3-4 times each week.  In essence, I have given up something.  I’ve given up my right to quit.

This year’s Lent is both an act of self-control and submission, because there is no way I can do this all on my own.

If you didn’t give something up last week, it’s not too late.  God doesn’t work on calendars…think about it.

In conclusion…

Hopefully my blogging will be able to increase over the next few weeks/months.  I could give you all the yada-yada about being busy, but in truth, there is no excuse.  Further, TPE should be receiving some updates fairly soon, so be on the lookout.

Love.
Harlan

Although I am usually quite reluctant to make New Year’s resolutions (most of my reasons for which are explained here), this year I am turning a new leaf.  I won’t go into explaining how I feel about resolutions, because I don’t want to take away from the previously mentioned article, but I will give you a brief explanation for each.

So here they are, in no particular order:

1. Foster a more intimate relationship with God. I am a natural-born skeptic.  As a result, my faith has been constantly plunged into and plucked out of the Refiner’s fire.  To use a quote in my favorite book, Delicate Fade, it is never a very happy thing to be torn but never separated.  (I can explain the meaning of this more adequately another day.)  I’ve never been afraid to ask questions…actually, I’ve been proud to have them.  But skeptics are most likely the souls who coined the phrase “ignorance is bliss”.  I can foster this relationship in many ways, including reading my Bible, devoting myself to prayer, and committing to service, to name a few.

2. Lose weight. I know what you’re thinking.  It’s cliche.  And you’re right, it is.  While I was thinking of my resolutions, I kept thinking back to something a friend of mine told me recently.  She said that 2008 was the most unhealthy year of her life.  I sat there thinking, 2008 wasn’t so kind to me in that department either.  So, why not?  I think with the growing obesity rate amongst American-kind, we could all afford to drop a couple.  (Except you, you look great.)  I have a number in my head for pounds I’d like to lose, but I’m going to keep that to myself.

3. Write. It sounds like a shoe-in, considering that in 2008 I started an online zine, but looks are deceiving.  The amount of time I actually devote to writing (which I love) is extremely inadequate.  So, in the spirit of writing, I’ve set up a few sub-resolutions under this one.  First, many of you know that I am in the process of writing a novel.  Yeah, I have made some progress, but I’m not even close to the schedule I had in my head for it.  My plan for 2009 is to finish it, final draft and all.  I’ll spare you the detailed time table.  The second sub resolution is to get plublished in a reputable publication.  It could be online, but I’d rather it not.  And if it is possible to do this multiple times over, all the better.  I would like to acquire more freelance writing gigs over the next year.  (If you know of anything, let me know.)  Finally, my last sub-resolution on writing involves increasing the output of TPE, including the blogs, and namely mine.

3. Read. This could have been put under write, but I felt it needed its own resolution.  I have never been the best at reading for pleasure.  As my sister put it so eloquently over Christmas, college has a way of making you hate reading.  I don’t think that is their intention, but it happens.  I would like to get back into the habit of reading consistently, for pleasure.  It just might help my writing as well.

4. Graduate. I’m tired of school.  This May, I will hopefully be completing my final classes for my Master’s Degree in Psychology/Counseling.  May couldn’t come any sooner for me.  Many of the people I have spoken with in similar situations echo this sentiment.  We are in graduate school, putting the finishing touches on a degree that most people don’t bother to pursue.  Instead, they pursued a life…something we had to put on hold.  I’m ready to live.

5. Take the next step. 2009 is going to be a big year for my family and me.  We have many decisions to make regarding careers, family, and surroundings, to name a few.  I don’t want to give too many details other than to say that I am ready for what 2009 brings.

So that’s it; these are my 2009 New Year’s resolutions.  But they’re more like guidelines than actual rules anyway. (Shameless, I know.)

Good luck and God bless to you in 2009.

Harlan.

Hey everyone….
I just wanted to take a moment to let you know what you’ve found.  This blog is my little personal corner of The Paradigm Exchange.  It is connected, and yet, separate from TPE.  It will involve a wide variety of posts from a wide variety of subjects.  Where TPE has a specific focus and drive….this blog absolutely will not. It will contain nothing more than my ramblings…
Just so you know.  Happy reading and happy blogging……
Harlan.